Well, clearly it has been quite a while since I last blogged. I just didn't feel like I had anything that was blog worthy. But looking back, there have been many good things that I could have blogged about. In dealing with the loss of my "Mother" (grandmother) I didn't want this to become a blog about loss, dealing with loss and the other bad stuff that apparently goes with it.
It's now been almost 9 months and I still can't think about her without crying. But not for her, but selfishly for me. For my loss. My loss of my best friend. My loss of my true mom. My loss of my life as I knew it. The day she passed away, I lost my purpose in life. And I have (very) slowly been finding a (new) place in this world. On a good note, I was finally able to put my favorite/most recent picture of us together up on my night stand. I am trying to find joy in my memories, not sorrow. This is a big step for me b/c until now, I couldn't even bare to look at a picture of her.
But back to "What's Been Going On"... So she passed away and I basically existed for a few months - December up in Nashville then back to Birmingham in January. I don't know when I finally "came out of it" or if I'm even completely out of it yet - but I do know, and can say, without hesitation, that I am doing better. A lot better. I still have my moments, but they are much fewer and far between. Granted, I am a bit teary every 26th, marking each month that goes by without her. And knowing that we're coming up on a year scares me to death, makes me wonder where did this year go and realize what a haze I have been in.
I had our girls' group Christmas party, at which is now "my" house. It was theraputic, to take down some of the pictures, put up some of mine, decorate for the hoidays. I really enjoyed having everyone over, seeing my friends, being with my friends. It had been months/years since I had been able to just enjoy life without the ever present worry about Mother.
So back to Birmingham. I tried to go back to living. I really did. But I just didn't know how. And no one could help me, I wouldn't let anyone help me. I knew I had to figure this out on my own. And as it turned out down the road, this fact led to the loss of many friends. So I went back to work. With a few panic attacks, a few moments of forgetfullness and thinking I had to call her to check on her, and a few weeks behind my belt, work was getting back to normal. That was the one thing that was stable. It was the going home to an empty house, not having to cook dinner, pick up medicince, that got me. I didn't know what to do with myself.
Bella and Ellie were a distraction, but not an answer. I think I tried to do things when things were going on. But then again, I don't know if I did. As much as it killed me to be there alone, it killed me to not be there. If I was still at the house, it was if she was still with me. I know it wasn't healthy, but that's all I could do.
So my birthday was February 26. I had stated multiple times that I didn't want to do anything at all for my birthday. I even went to planning a trip to Nashville to get out of town. My very kind friends still went and suprised me at what I thought was just a dinner with a friend. (Too bad I had had a migraine for 3 days and the doc had given me s'thing to take for it, so when she came to get me, I was still out of it from the medicine... and for most of the dinner.)
So the next day I was going to Nashville to do a Family B'day Bash - celebrating my sister Kari's, my Dad's, mine and my baby brother Jacob's. However, things didn't go as planned. Driving up I-65 towards Nashville, about half way up, I hydroplaned, spun around, hit the guard rail and ended up on the other side of the interstate. Very scary, but God watched over me, and I was unharmed. As were my "babies", Ellie & Bella in the crate in the back. My dad had to come down from Nashville to get me, took about an hour or so. The kind officer drove me and had the tow truck to follow him to the sheriff's station so I could get all of my luggage and animals out of it while he took the car to a garage.
Dad finally got there, I don't think I'd been that happy to see him in a long time. Of course, with most accidents, you don't start feeling the pain til the next day or so... I woke up the next morning and couldn't move. Whip lash to the greatest extent. Went to the E.R. and was given a few Rx's and sent home. But now I had no car and no way to drive, seeing that I couldn't sit up straight for more than 30 min even w/ the pain meds. They ended up totalling my brand new car and I was stuck up in Nashville, not working, for a week while I healed. Once I was finally able to walk, sit up for long periods of time not on the Rx's, we went to the Nissan dealership and I got another new car. Again, God took care of me.
I went back to work, but my absence had been at a very stressful time, especially after being off for 4 months with Mother. A few days later I was asked to resign. Even though, I by no means would have asked to have that wreck. But when God closes a door, he opens a window.
It was then that my decision was clear. To sell the house and move to Nashville. I stayed in B'ham for about a week. I came up to Nashville to basically finalize my decision. The discussion about the house, making the decision to sell it was another very difficult thing to do. But the right thing. My parents didn't want me making any rash decisions in my current state, so I stayed up in Nashville for a few weeks to make sure this is what I felt was right for me. Not my family, who have always wanted me to move up to Nashville, or for my friends who didn't think it was a good idea, it was for me.
So I came back and told the people that I knew cared most and would be affected most that I had decided to move. Most of them said they figured that's what I would do.
So I packed up as much as I could/thought I needed and came back to Nashville. A few weeks later my dad, baby sis & baby bro came back down with me and we cleaned out the attic. It's amazing what people hold on to. Makes you think about worldly possessions. How it was important enough to keep, yet was quickly thrown away after she was gone.
Towards the end of our stay/work, I became increasingly sick. One of my then best friends' daughter was having her first birthday on one of the last days we were there - I planned it that way so I could go. But I was so sick, I didn't want to go and get anyone else sick. So I sent the present with a friend and texted to let her know I wouldn't be able to be there. On the way back to Nashville, I called her to see how it went, since I never heard back from the text. And she never called me back. I tried numerous times and various ways to get in touch with her, but she would not reply.
It turned out I had pneumonia and was sick for about a week and a half with it. Couldn't walk more than a few feet without getting out of breath. Pretty scary, as I had never been sick with pneumonia before.
Then a few weeks later, we all came back and cleaned out the garage. Now THAT was a job. Stuff that had been in there for 30 yrs or more. Again with what you save. Are Earthly objects really that important? I understand to save in case you may need it... but some things I'm really going to be rethinking.
Just to add to all of my recent misfortune, somewhere in the midst of all of this, I completely rolled my ankle, causing extreme paing (remember, I have 0 tolerance for pain) 2 X-Rays later, just a bad sprain. "Some sprains are worse than a break." Well I belive it. And begged him to put me in a cast. The doctor wouldn't do it and just told me to stay off it. Yeah right. Like that was possible. It FINALLY healed after about 3 weeks of hobbling.
Now all that's left with the house is to go back (shudder) and get rid of the clothes and do some touch ups to put it on the market. Still on my "To Do" list.
In the mean time, I have been looking for and interviewing for jobs up here non stop. ...really wasn't the best time to be looking for a job. Twice now it has come down to one other person and myself and I have lost out both times. I have to keep telling myself that when I do get the job I want, it will be the perfect job for me. It's just that unfortunately Vanderbilt has many levels of interviews and many people to interview with - which are usually spaced out, so it takes forever. But I'm still determined to find the perfect fit for me. Until then, it's pretty much Church and home. I've been out a few times, which have been fun. But until I get a job and can support myself, that's been pushed to the side.
Luckily I've been enveloped by a wonderful church - GodWhy - my sisters and baby bro were already going there and I had visited it many times when I would come up to visit. But I have met so many wonderful people. So many Christian friends to be surrounded by. This church is not your typical church. I'm still not sold on the Sunday morning service, only b/c I miss the hymns and choir - but I love the Wednesday nights and the Sunday night Women's group. This church is for people who don't feel like they would be accepted at other churches. Which, sadly, I was beginning to feel the same way. There's even a Bible study group for motorcycle/Harley enthusiasts! Tattoos, piercings, pasts - it doesn't matter. GodWhy is here to serve the unserved. It's amazing to see the people and YOUTH flocking to this place!
I've met so many caring, funny, loving friends - it's amazing. I grew up with (for the most part) the same friends for 20 or so yrs, never had the desire to meet new people, and to be honest, didn't think I could do it without my group. But as I live and breath, I have made my own new friends. There are a very few that I even still keep in contact with back in Birmingham. I am very saddened by this, but know that life goes on and people change, priorities change and unfortunately, out of sight, out of mind is so true. I wish them all well and hope they accomplish every goal they set. And I hope that they know that I will always remember fondly all the good times we had together.
But life goes on... oh blah de blah da... I'm now going to be doing the books/scoring for the church's men's fall softball team! Helping out with the church whenever I can. Everyday meeting new people. I was even a counselor for the church's kids camp recently. But that will have to be in another post.
At one point, I was determined to just never let anyone be that close to me, to love anyone that much because the pain of losing them is just too much. But I have (barely) survived and learned that without close friends/family and love, life's just not worth living.
I have become closer to God, and am surrounded by Christian friends. We all faulter, but we keep coming back every Wednesday and Sunday. This past Sunday I was blessed to get to see so many of my friends and even campers get baptized. It was such an amazing event - to see these "rough" grown men, getting into that water, crying for the joy that filled their heart as they gave their life over to God. I have been blessed. And I know, through all I've been through this past year has only made me stronger. I used to say "God must know I'm weak because I had never been dealt with something so difficult to deal with" - well I leared a lot of lessons from that. Don't tempt him and yes, if it doesn't kill you, it will only make you stronger. And God won't give you something you can't handle, and if he does, he will help you along and be with you, help you through it ever step of the way.
So I'm living in Nashville, making wonderful new friends, loving Church again and always looking for a job.
Up next... Camp Counselor Carly.... I neither like to sweat or dirt or bugs... another adventure awaits!
