I see growth. Growth in my Christianity. I see maturity. Maturity in my relationship with God. I see freedom. Freedom from my demons and pains.
I have discussed in dept what I have been going through. Although I know I am not completely healed, as I may never be, I see a change. Change in my outlook. I see progress. Progress in making a new life for myself. Two things I never thought I'd see. Yes, there is in fact a light at the end of this long and painful tunnel. There is happiness where there was once only sadness & despair.
For the past year, I was trying to not deal with it, only for it to rear its ugly head whenever it felt like it and bring me to an all new low each time. I was trying to go through this alone. I now realize I wasn't alone. Much like the "Footsteps in the Sand", I see that when I thought I was all alone in my pain (and quite frankly, wanted it that way) that I was actually being carried; for I do not know where this past year has gone. It's as if I'm just waking up from a deep slumber. I know I was alive. I know I existed, yet I have very little recollection of this miserable existence. And now I am awake. I am alive.
I have given in. I have given this pain to God. I have felt His calm already. I know the true peace He gives. For this I am extremely grateful. I don't know if I can say I have ever truly experienced the feeling of God's love, of God's touch before now.
A few nights ago, as I was crying myself to sleep, I gave it all to Him. I prayed hard. I prayed until I fell asleep. I remember feeling a calm come over me before I fell asleep. I know that was God. I know that was Him loving me, taking away my pain. I hope to always remember this experience, always to remember to give it all to Him. That I can not "fix" me.
I have been introduced to wonderful people at church. I have met and befriended people with whom I have had many theological discussions. Something I have never really had before. Something I really haven't felt comfortable doing. It's amazing! It makes me feel so alive! Not only justified in my beliefs, but also learning to rethink how I think about things, how I deal with things. I am learning so much about me, on a deeper level.
I have recently given up celebrity gossip. No more magazines, no more websites, no more tv shows. If you know me, that is a huge change. I was quite obsessed with it. Its amazing how freeing it feels. In doing this, I am also trying to stop gossiping. I felt this was holding me back, and indeed it was. Now my mind and life has been opened to so much more. Better conversations. Learning. Living.
So back to today, on the way home, I heard the following song on the radio and felt it described EXACTLY how I was feeling at the time. I wanted to put it on here, not only to tell about, to share, but for myself. I pray I hold on to this feeling. I know life will not always be this way. I know bad things will happen and I will be sad again. Probably sooner than I wish, but as long as I can remember to give it to Him, that He can truly help, that I WILL be happy again - I can get through it.
"I Smile" by Russ Lee
Lost and all alone
Looking for a reason for being
In this crazy world
Trying to go on
Looking for the answers
To the questions
And there You were
From the moment You appeared
Everything became so clear
I'm so glad that You're here, Lord
I smile when I think about
The way You've turned my life around
I smile when I think about
The happiness in You I've found
I'm so amazed at what Your love has done
And when I think the best is yet to come
I smile!
I smile!
Wandering the dark
Lost in the confusion
I thought I was losing my mind for sure
I searched with all my heart
Looking for direction
Something to believe in
And there You were
And You were reaching down to me
You were everything I needed
I'm so glad You found me, Lord
'Cause You've turned all my gray skies
To the brightest blue, yes, You did
And my life feels like sunshine
And it's because of You
All because of You.. I smile
